Dear Coach Mari:

Yesterday, me and my boyfriend, 28, had an argument leading to a physical fight. We have fought from time to time in the past, but it seems like it is becoming more frequent. I know you will probably say get rid of him but I know that I provoke a lot of the fights by criticizing him because he doesn’t have a job and he is not contributing to our household. I’m the one who works and my job doesn’t pay very much so we do without a whole lot of things. He takes care of our children while I’m working. Plus, he has now accused me of not being faithful and believing our six month old daughter is not his. My son, three years old, loves his daddy and they have a beautiful relationship. I want him to grow up with a man in the house. I come from a household where everybody yelled and screamed about everything, so I’m used to it, but Mari, I don’t want to continue with this. I do love this man, but I want us to be like we were when we first met.

Signed: Uncertain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Uncertain:

Run, do not walk, to your mirror and hug yourself. Look yourself straight in the eyes and tell yourself how beautiful, wonderful and worthwhile you are. Keep doing this, day after day, if necessary until you honestly begin to appreciate who you are and what you bring to this world. Celebrate you, and ask yourself why would you allow anybody to treat you with anything less than respect and dignity.

Food for thought: You’re supporting a grown, 28 year old boy who should be working to support you and your two children. In no way, shape or form is he a man. Men do not slap women who criticize them for not supporting their families. Men do not live off women. Men do not lay back and babysit children while the woman goes out and works her behind off in snow, sleet and rain. A real man does everything to provide for his own, working how ever many jobs it takes.
More food for thought: Because you grew up in an atmosphere where anger was the accepted norm, you’ve become almost immune to it. Almost. You’re noticing that his behavior is escalating, and I believe you’re also becoming fearful, although you didn’t specifically say so. When you stay in this situation and allow him to do this, you unconsciously give your consent to this behavior. You become an enabler and share in the responsibility for any consequences that follow. Consider this: How far will he go the next time? When do you get knocked unconscious or worse? What example is he setting for a three year old child growing up in a house-hold where this dysfunctional nonsense is normal? And if he stays, what effect will this have on your daughter, as she deals with the toxicity that comes from a father who doesn’t accept her as his own?

Your choices are quite simple: a) Stay and accept the consequences for what he might do. b) Take a good, long break from this relationship. Actively seek out family, friends, acquaintances and agencies, anything or anyone that can provide you with immediate assistance; c) actively seek counseling, therapy or coaching to get control of this situation before it spirals completely out of control. I would say, d) ask him to leave, but I somehow doubt he will do that willingly.

One last thought: You have a dream for a relationship that sparkles and glitters and glows and perhaps that’s what you had when you first met. Right now, your dream is increasingly becoming a nightmare and your thoughts should be geared more towards safety than wanting things to be like they were.

You do want the best for yourself and your family. However, until you learn to love you and want only the best for yourself and your children, your “Happy Ending” isn’t in sight.

Coach Mari

Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.

Got a question for Mari to answer? Send them to features@forharriet.com

Dear Coach Mari:

I am a thirty year-old, attractive, well-read, financially secure single woman who can’t seem to find a mate.  Most of my sorority sisters are married, with children, and/or live-in lovers, or in promising relationships. I am so very, very tired of being the odd-woman out.   All I have is Boris, my cat of three years. In the past, I have had three  significant relationships that fell apart because I wasn’t willing to settle for what was being offered:  one guy overly attached to his ex-wife’s comings and goings, another guy more interested in my bank account than me, and my last relationship, a married guy that I regret ever spending time with.

I have met men at social functions, church, clubs, parties and cocktail events.  However, while I’m able to interest men, I don’t seem to be able to either sustain a relationship with a guy I like (I don’t know if I’m being utterly boring), or stop being so picky after I meet “kinda ok” guys.  I want to meet my Prince and fall madly in love and live happily ever after.  All I know is I’m losing confidence in my ability to ever meet that Prince and get married.  By this stage in my life, I figured I would be living happily in the suburbs in a home with a white picket fence, two children and driving the family van. At this point, I’m thinking of settling for the next guy who comes along, just to make my dream come true. But I swear I don’t want to do that.

Signed:  Tired of Waiting
While this is nothing to cheer about, you’re in great company with millions of your female counterparts who, for one reason or another, haven’t been able to find that all elusive soul mate.  But, believe it or not, finding him isn’t as difficult as it first seems.  It’s gonna take work, but you’re already ahead of the game simply because you’re exploring various venues in an effort to meet men, instead of waiting for one to pop out of the sky and rescue you.  You’re also unconsciously using relationship coaching techniques that any good coach will encourage you to adopt:  scouting, sorting, screening and testing to be exact.

My first observation?  You showed great judgment in disconnecting from the three losers you had prior significant relationships with.  None of them were husband material.

Secondly, define what you’re looking for in a mate:  your requirements, needs and wants and, during the screening stage, concentrate on those men who best suit your requirements.  You could be using the right ammunition, but hunting the wrong guy.

Two things people notice when first meeting us are our appearance and attitude. You’re continuously meeting men so, obviously, your appearance, at first glance, is fine.  However, a defeatist, lonely, tired, needy, pressed, desperate attitude will drive any man away.  Most men are attracted to women who are confident, sure of themselves, interesting to talk to, slightly challenging, sexy, fun, have a great sense of humor and who have something in common with them.  You signed your letter, “Tired.”  And I believe you are, but a tired attitude is a defeatist attitude and not one you want to continue to cultivate.   Drop it like it’s radioactive hot.  Also, take an interest in whatever hobby, or activities the guy likes and make a concerted effort to find out about his interests.

 Lastly, when you settle for less, that’s exactly what you get: less enjoyment, less fun, less happiness, fewer memorable moments, and more dissatisfaction than you can even begin to imagine.   Settling eventually catches up with you and creates resentment in the long run.

Dating is an exhaustive subject, one that could readily fill a whole book.  I’ve given you a few things to contemplate. You might wish to find a relationship coach in your area who can assist you in better navigating the voyage to your Prince and rid you of that “tired” mind-set. 

            All best wishes on your journey.

                                             Coach Mari

Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.

Got a question for Mari to answer? Send them to features@forharriet.com

Coach Mari:

My husband and I have been married for eight years. “Ed” is thirteen years older than me. We married when I was nineteen and a year out of high school. I know in my heart that I married him to escape my abusive home life. We have two beautiful children together, a son and daughter who adore their father. Ed is a wonderful father and provider and a decent stand-up guy. He’s a hard worker and has provided a wonderful home and stable life for us. I don’t work, but since our marriage, I’ve gone on to graduate from college with a degree in business administration. Ed always encouraged me not to work, but rather to be a stay at home mom. We attend church regularly and Ed is a Deacon in our church. Sometimes he’s domineering and preachy and I’m really getting tired of that, as well.


With all that I have, I should be incredibly happy but the truth is I’m bored out of my mind. The only things that interest Ed are sex, work, church, and more sex. Unfortunately, Ed is one lousy lover. No amount of suggestions does any good. He has one move, and that move stopped working a long time ago. Although I know Ed loves me, I’m not certain he even cares if I am satisfied. I wouldn’t mind so much if we had an active social life or took vacations or did something! I’m only 27 years old and I want more than this. I’m tired of only listening to my children’s chatter and cleaning house all day long. I want to go out; I want to party some, with or without Ed. I want to go to a nightclub every now and then or the beach. I feel like I’m going crazy here and I am seriously thinking of a) getting a lover on the side or b) leaving him.I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this.

Signed,


Desperate


Dear Desperate:

Wow! I hear you loud and clear. Your letter screams desperation and resentment, so let’s break it down.


Your marriage was troubled from day one. You never loved “Ed” in the first place. As you admit, you used him to escape your parents’ home. You were fairly young and at that point, Ed was a lot older than you and obviously, not very discerning. Had he been, he would have realized your desire to get married wasn’t out of overwhelming love for him. However, now you two have two children in the mix, in what you describe as a stable environment. What you’d probably love for me to say is run for the hills, girl. Grab your Jimmy Chu’s and party down because “Ed” is as exciting as mud, and you deserve a life. Well, don’t we all? But you’re not the only player here. And while this isn’t all about you, let’s start with you.


Your youth was spent being a wife and mother and it’s a role you were ill- prepared for. Now you’re missing all the fun and excitement you imagine you would have had, had you stayed single for a while longer.

Move #1. Write down everything admirable about Ed. He’s a hard worker, he’s a great father, he’s provided you with a nice lifestyle, etc. Then write down everything about him that bothers you. Weigh the two. Decide whether life would be better for you and your children with or without your husband. I could add that after reading your letter, there are thousands upon thousands of women who would trade places with you in a heartbeat, but they don’t know what’s really going on inside your house. From what you’ve said, your main complaint is that he’s not great in bed and doesn’t have many hobbies. Get a hold of the situation, because everybody can be taught something. Sexually, do not suggest anything else to “Ed.” Tell “Ed” point blank that during lovemaking you like a, b, c and d (but by all means be willing to compromise). Find out what really excites him as well. If he is not interested in learning new things to make your sex life equally enjoyable, then tell him if he really loves you, some things have to change because you can’t fake it any longer. (Men hate the FAKE word.) Again, if he is totally not interested in your satisfaction that says a lot about him and puts him in a totally different light.

Move #2. Act with integrity. Before thinking of getting a lover or a divorce (last ditch effort), arrange a time with “Ed” when the two of you have absolute quiet, away from the chattering of your children. Tell him exactly what you told me. Let him know how you feel. Communication is one of the keys in marriage, and the two of you don’t have it. Emphasize you’re lonely (which you are), you’re young, you’re bored, you want to do more, contribute more and have a more interesting, exciting marriage. You have a lot to offer. Marriage is a 100%//100% proposition. Let him know if you’re interested in exploring your business degree, joining organizations or taking classes in something that really excites you and maximizing 100% of yourself. After all, A Happy Wife = A Happy Life (as one of the Real Housewives’ husband said).

Move #3. Please, please, please consider counseling or coaching or whichever you feel best suited for. After you’ve laid all your cards on the table and come clean with your husband, please look into getting help from either a coach or therapist to get to the root of your resentment and help you put on your big girl panties and take responsibility for your actions in the matter, and to help Ed explore his sexuality and control issues. Marriage is not about control; it’s about each partner going the distance to support, encourage, sustain, and inspire each other to become as great as they can be.

- Coach Mari

Mari Lyles is one of the metropolitan D.C.’s area's leading Certified Life/ Relationship coaches. A graduate of two prestigious schools, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and the international Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), Mari turned fifteen years of counseling/mentoring talents into a satisfying career coaching women on life and dating and mating issues, based upon RCI's patented relationship program, "Conscious Dating," wherein women take power over their romantic lives.

Got a question for Mari to answer? Send them to features@forharriet.com