by Kimberly Foster @KimberlyNFoster

In the summer of 2014, Keonna Davis, 19, and her sister Kayla, 17, were frustrated. They wanted to experience the freedoms of young adulthood, but could not get jobs to finance them. Unsure of what to do in a job market that has, for years, been inhospitable to post-adolescents, they sought counsel from their parents. When they told their mother, Lethia, about their struggle to find employment, she encouraged them to build something for themselves.

“I told them, ‘Stop begging for work, and make your own work,’” said Lethia, who has twice tried her hand at entrepreneurship.

The sisters brainstormed businesses they would enjoy heading and decided to open a beauty supply store.

Keonna’s interest in haircare was piqued by her transition to natural hair. After shaving her head, she began experimenting with a haircare regimen that worked with and for the hair texture she was born with. “At that time I was trying different products, and it was very interesting to me,” she said. And, perhaps, she would be able to help other new naturals on their journeys.




Kayla, on the other hand, wore hair extensions and wigs. The sisters combined their interests to build a business that would meet the needs of a wide range of potential customers.

Kayla Davis, 19, and Keonna Davis, 21 Photo: KD Haircare LLC

Their dreams of escaping the insecurity of sporadic employment, however, required even more money they did not have. While planning for their store’s launch, Kayla began working at Popeye’s and Keonna in an Amazon warehouse.

The work was sometimes difficult and mostly unfulfilling. “Every day I would be like ‘I don’t want to go to work. I’m so tired.’” Keonna recalled. With her petite build and small frame, she is certainly not the person you would expect to spend her days lifting and packing boxes. Her co-workers commented often on her surprising presence in the notoriously grueling environment.

Brick and mortar beauty supply stores cost tens of thousands of dollars to launch, so they opened an online store first to learn more about the market and continue saving money. By this time they’d lost interest in the personal pleasures they once longed for. Their dream of working for themselves became top priority.

Fiscal discipline is rarely a hallmark of those newly ushered into legal adulthood, but Lethia says her girls are wise. “I think that a lot of young individuals could do it,” she said matter-of-factly. “But they’re into more materialistic things.”


They didn't do it all alone. Friends and family offered help because they were so impressed by Kayla and Keonna’s focus, but the sisters came up with most of the money themselves, and they’re proud of that. “The majority came from me and my sister saving up every little ounce of money that we did have and putting it towards our business,” Keonna explained.

As they eased into the competitive world of Black beauty, the pair learned quickly that relationships matter. The hair business relies on face-to-face brokering between retailers and vendors. For aspiring store owners, who you know determines the products you’ll get and the prices vendors set. As total outsiders, they started from scratch. The process was not easy, success was not certain. “It was really stressful for a moment,” said Keonna.


Guidance from veterans was essential. They sought advice from more experienced business owners. Many were generous, but their ages posed a hurdle. Some questioned their seriousness.

“Once they started getting out there and meeting these individuals and networking with them and reaching out to them, that was kind of, like, the gate,” said Lethia.

Also essential was their affiliation with the Black Owned Beauty Supply Store Association. Keonna and Kayla joined B.O.B.S.A. to connect with vendors. President Sam Ennon says the two are among a growing cohort of Black women beauty entrepreneurs who are remaking the business, and it all comes down to the thing that first drew Keonna in: natural hair. “It’s changed now because the hairstyles have changed,” he said.

Breaking into the old model of beauty supply stores, which relied heavily on relaxers, wigs, and hair extensions, has been difficult for Black entrepreneurs. South Korean owners have direct connections to the textile and wet goods industries in their home countries that have enabled them to dominate the market for more than 30 years. Now there are approximately 12,000 Korean-owned beauty supply stores across the United States.





Now 19 and 21, news of Kayla and Keonna's opening quickly went viral. Supporters are clamoring to help them with the next phase of their business “We’re actually getting a lot of posts and phone calls from people looking to invest in us,” says Keonna sounding nearly amazed. “We’re very humbled by it.”

The beauty supply store is only one of their dreams. Like most at the crest of adulthood, their aspirations are malleable. While they would like to franchise and open more stores, particularly on the east coast where they get the most inquiries, they haven’t given up on pursuing higher education. Kayla wants to be an ultrasound technician, and Keonna wants to go back to school to study 3D animation and visual arts. They are saving money for their next chapter now.

In the meantime, they spend their days managing the operations of a new business. Despite all of the press, their customers come first. With so many products to choose from, figuring out exactly which ones they really want has been difficult.

As they weather ups and downs of entrepreneurship, Keonna says having her sister by her side is a gift.

“I have complete trust and faith in her. She has complete trust and faith in me.

“We’re sisters so we’re going to butt heads on things, but at the end of the day, we both love each other dearly,” she added

Kimberly Foster is the founder and editor-in-chief of For Harriet. Email or Follow @KimberlyNFoster

Interview by Michelle Denise Jackson

When we discuss the issues that Black women and girls face today, it’s hard to know where to begin. In the past year, there has been national discourse around police brutality and state-sanctioned violence executed against Black men, women, and children. We’re familiar with names like Aiyana Stanley-Jones, Tanesha Anderson, and Rekia Boyd. There have also been ongoing conversations around gender-based and sexual violence, with high profile cases like Janay Rice’s on-camera beating at the hands of her then fiancé, Ray Rice. Or the ongoing investigation of Oklahoma City police officer Daniel Holtzclaw, who raped and sexually assaulted dozens of women while on duty.

Let's get this out of the way. I adore Viola Davis. I adore her gravitas, intellect and fearlessness, but above all, I adore her prodigious talent. For her merits, Davis deserves to be named alongside screen legends like Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro. But alas the black, female body she inhabits prevents her from reaching the professional heights she so deserves. Ms. Davis as a radiant, 46 year-old woman, only came close to fully realizing her potential on film 3 years ago in her limited but remarkable role in Doubt. In a part so small it could nearly be called a cameo, Viola Davis wrought a compelling performance that earned her an Academy Award nomination.

Last year, Davis' lauded work in the film adaptation of The Help propelled her back into the spotlight. The magnificence of her portrayal of Aibileen is unquestionable though the film itself has been poked, prodded, and picked apart particularly by concerned black audiences and academics.

Pushback against the film forced Viola to take the defense.  In an interview, she told Tavis Smiley all the way off saying his disdain for the film was a mindset that's "killing the black artist." Davis was nothing if not beautifully eloquent in her assertion that "the black artist cannot live in a revisionist place." You couldn't help but nod along as this brilliant Black woman argued her case.

Davis, of course, fails to take into account that Aibileen occupies the most loathsome of revisionist locales. Historians have noted that the tale of Minnie and Aibleen are not even close to accurate depictions of life in the Jim Crow south.

The most intelligent criticism of the film is based not on the fact that the women play maids but that they play mammies. Maids, you see, are real women whose stories deserve to be told with dignity and without shame. Mammies are fictive martyrs whose love for their white employers eclipses the economic and often sexual exploitation domestic workers endure(d). The Black women of The Help are the latter. (Melissa Harris-Perry explores this in our book club pick, Sister Citizen) The critique is a rejection of the ways white filmmakers have manipulated our stories to assuage their guilt or to suit their interests.

Related: Black Women Should Come Out of Hiding In Honor of Viola Davis

The story of The Help is appalling; the acting is sublime. Both Black and white filmgoers loved it which makes criticizing the movie in any manner like navigating a minefield.

I wanted so much to side with Davis during her showdown with Smiley, but she sidestepped the primary point.  There's no doubt that film critics overwhelmingly celebrate the debasement and pathology of African Americans. While the more than 94% white and 77% male Oscar voters award the varied, complex performances of white actresses, it seems Black women are only visible when we are playing out our most damaging cultural mythologies. Smiley makes it clear that his frustration lies with the racist Hollywood system that dictates what makes it to theaters. Conflating that criticism with a dismissal of the actresses is misguided.

This is all none of Viola Davis' or Octavia Spencer's concern really. We place an unfair burden on black actors by asking them to constantly justify their professional choices. They are actors not activists. This is their craft, but it is also their job.

So when those of us who understand and appreciate the importance of media representation express our frustration at the film, its fabricated history, and the racist film industry it signifies, it is really, truly not personal. We want black actors to flourish and to explore the depths of humanity in new, untold stories. That is our tribute to great Black artists who spent their entire careers encaged, and that is the battle we all must continue to fight.


Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

“So when are you getting married?” the mother of one of my long-time friends abruptly asked me in the midst of our small talk one day. Caught off guard, I replied: “One day soon I hope, but not right now. I have things I really want to do before all that.” She smiled, “Ok, just don’t wait too long.”

Her statement, loving yet firm, among other things has led me to think over what it is that I feel I need to do or accomplish to be ready for marriage and settling down. Of course, a yet-to-be-identified qualified suitor is essential. But for many other reasons, marriage is not a high priority for me right now, and her words made me question whether I was putting it on the back-burner. At twenty-three, I’m not quite where I would like to be in every aspect of my life--as is to be expected--but was I chasing an elusive pre-marital to-do list?

There will always be debate about what defines a feminist. While conservative women like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann attempt to misappropriate the term and negate its progressive origins, Black women struggle to embrace it and see our place within the movement.

Feminism (or Womanism if you please) is a Black woman's birthright. We had no choice but to question the racist, sexist power structures that define Western culture. Black feminism has enabled Black women to define ourselves for ourselves in a world that would have us reduced to caricature. For this reason--and many more-- I embrace Feminism fully. Its messy history of exclusion has not deterred me from recognizing the importance of feminist ideals in the quest for the equality of all people.

The past week has been an important one for digital advocacy. In a matter of days, two major organizations, Susan G. Komen for the Cure and CNN, were forced into decisive action by the feminist and LGBT communities respectively. Supporters used Twitter, Facebook, blogs and message boards to rally their proverbial troops. Proving, once again, that the power lies with the people, and when we choose to lift our voices, we can prevail.

They make it look easy. Under duress Komen reversed its decision to indefinitely defund Planned Parenthood, and CNN placed commentator Roland Martin on suspension for homophobic tweets. Each of these results were achieved within days of a concerted outcry.

It seems as though Black folks are the only interest group who can't coordinate digitally to effect change. When black communities are attacked--which happens daily--why do we have so much difficulty spreading an effective, unified message? We rarely wield the power to force anyone's hand.

These social media successes were not flukes, they were facilitated by existing structures embedded within the communities. Structures that African Americans simply do not have. Or perhaps we have them, but we have not yet figured out how to use them to our best advantage.

Much discussed has been the digital divide which explains disparate access to the internet's wealth of resources in communities of color, but we have yet failed to address how men and women of African descent have not fully tapped into the power of digital spaces and social media to address malicious media misrepresentation and corrosive public policy.

Yes, there exist startups like ColorofChange.org, but Black communities lag behind in response to offensive onslaughts. We're in a new age, where those who cannot make their voices heard quickly will be swept under the rug just as we've always been.

When Susan G. Komen for the Cure announced it would no longer provide over $600,000 in funding to Planned Parenthood for breast cancer screenings, the feminist blogosphere swooped down with its unmistakable fury. Pro-choice bloggers and tweeters quickly organized a well-coordinated assault, overwhelming the organization's official social media pages with calls to action. All the while, top feminist blogs were continually updated with the mission's progress.

These actions worked because top Komen officials did a terrible job of handling the controversy in the first day, and the furor shook the organization to the core, prompting the resignation of one of its conservative VP of Public Policy.

To be certain, this was a groundswell. The Planned Parenthood cohort crosscut many groups. There was no Feminist Boule gathered in a dark room plotting strategy.  The amorphous feminist blogosphere occupies enough territory to disseminate the message quickly. Supporters know when to act and how to do so with speed and fervency because they had a single goal.

The Komen case should be a model for African American reaction to policy decisions that negatively impact our communities. The trouble, it seems, it that we are so diverse in opinion that we cannot decide on a single goal.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) spearheaded suspension of Roland Martin provides another example of coordinated, effectual digital activism. After Martin's controversial tweets, the group responded to  him from their official account almost immediately. In contrast to the previous case, this was a top down operation. When GLAAD strikes, a community follows.

With remarkable speed, they drafted a petition for Martin's firing and a press release about the incident which resulted  in several media hits and sparked discussion.

Unsurprisingly, many African Americans rushed to Martin's defense insisting that he had been unfairly  targeted. Whether you agree or not, at the end the day GLAAD did its job. I'm sure the next time a moderately successful social commentator gets the urge to spew homophobia, they'll think twice.

Time is of the essence in the 24 hour news culture, and Black America's national clearinghouses always seem to be a step behind. Though the bounds of Blackness are far too expansive for a single agenda, there are boundless opportunities for us to strike back because everyday there are policies passed that adversely affect the lives of Blacks in America and abroad.

Communities of color must use both grass roots and organizational responses to counter the constant attacks on our rights and persons. Instead of being critical of "gay mafia" or "feminazis" who can pull together a digital demonstration effectively, we need to be build our own organizations and networks that can do the same.


Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

I used to read bridal magazines. From the time that I was old enough to understand what a wedding was, I knew that I wanted to experience that for myself. I wanted it all. My wedding would be an extravagant event that everyone who attended would remember for the rest of their lives. I’d flip through the pages of various publications pointing out to my mom which dresses I loved as well as those that I thought were hideous.

Through the years it has been corporatized and commodified, but Black History Month is a time for self-reflection and meditation. A time to remember those men and women whose boldness and bravery left a mark on our collective consciousness. A time where individually each of us must take stock of our talents and think about what we will do to lift as we climb.

I am a foul-mouthed woman. Despite the fact that I did not grow up in a home where swearing was encouraged--or even tolerated--once I got to be about 13, my friends would be hard pressed to hear me in conversation without dropping the f-bomb or the s-word. (I say friends because I was diligent about refraining from the language in front of my elders lest my mom come down on me with her unmistakable fury. She didn't play that. Ours was a Christian household.)

Now, a decade later, an encounter with me without a vulgarity is rare. For the moment, I'm off the sauce, drugs are bad, and I don't fornicate with nearly enough regularity, so the questionable language provides my release. It's good, not-so-clean fun.

I've contemplated giving it up. But why? Is my propensity for cuss words a poor reflection of my character? Fuck no.

According to some, women like me are a scourge on society. Our crude language and racy humor are corroding the moral fabric of America, a fabric which women are expected to mend.

Georgea Kovanis of the Detroit Free Press finds the rising acceptance of potty humor among the fairer sex offensive. She writes:

It's not that women are new to swearing or telling off-color jokes or repeating brutal gossip or engaging in bad behavior...It's just that now, many of us are loud and proud of it. 

Natural biological functions and anatomy are apparently off limits too.

The piece opens with a series of recent scenarios meant to elucidate the depth of the problem. Joan Rivers mentions tampons on a morning show! Isn't that disgusting? Tina Fey and Jane Lynch make a dick joke at the Globes! How dare they? Miley Cyrus takes a picture with a penis cake! What about the children?

Women did not, as Kovanis concedes, just discover swear words and dick jokes. We have delighted in them privately since the dawn of time, but only recently has popular culture reached a point wherein women can indulge publicly and avoid life or career ruining social stigma. That's a good thing. With each generation, it gets better.

The dismantling of Victorian ideals provides cause for concern.

Being ladylike, it seems, is a thing of the past.

Oh, Georgea. How laughably anachronistic of you.  The author and others of similar ilk conjure up an idyllic, imagined past where women provided the panacea for bad taste.

Yes, let's go back to the good old days when the broads knew their place, and all was right in the world.*sigh* I blame The Help.

We can move beyond the desire to be "ladylike." Hopefully, we're approaching an age of female self-definition. In which women feel free to define their womanhood for themselves and not by antiquated dictates of acceptable behavior.

Comedians like Kristen Wiig, Margaret Cho, and Mo'Nique do not relinquish their rights to womanhood because they dare to be lewd. Asserting such is sexist and ridiculous.

In truth, I'm not a huge fan of that particular brand of humor, (That's why I've avoided watching Bridesmaids despite the rave reviews. Watching someone move their bowels in the middle of the street is precisely what I don't need in my life.) but I loathe shallow, restrictive gender norms even more.

Not simply because they're largely nonsensical but because they're so unevenly applied. Is it a coincidence Kovanis' disappointment resides with the misdeeds of white women?

As a black woman, I could have surmised that screed wasn't directed toward me. Women of color have not historically  been expected to adhere to the same standards of decency as white women. (Though, for better or worse, the Age of Michelle Obama may be changing that.)

Handwringing over the declining morals of society reveals an indictment of the increasing agency of formerly oppressed classes. Women are stepping out of the culture of shame. Misogynists find this to be problematic.

The question isn't why so many women are now comfortable using coarse language, but why are so many men and women intent to maintain the status quo that diminishes our liberty?

Women who express themselves in an "unbecoming" manner are not "following in the footsteps of men" as Kovanis writes. They are embracing their fullest, freest selves.

It's time to stop perpetuating faux concern about the dissolution of feminine morals. Women are getting fouler because we are getting freer. Deal with it.

Note: I do not ever refer to myself, or other women, as females in conversation. The title refers to Kovanis' original post.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

I just recently attended the 13th annual Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) commemorating the violent deaths of transgender people across the world. I was absolutely blown away by the keynote address given by U.S. Congressman Alcee Hastings, but for me the evening’s emotional impact began several months back when on a trip to New York I visited the Stonewall Inn (Birth Place of the LGBT Movement In The U.S.) for the first time which I found odd considering that I was born, raised, came out in that city, and I had attended Stonewall 25 (celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising).

As I entered the dark and narrow bar, I felt this energy course through my veins that was electric, and I could still feel the energy of revolution in the midst of the cocktail social hosted by HRC. As I began to tour the inn I took special notice of the historical photographs. Images of people who did not conform to traditional roles, men not only not afraid of, but flaunting their femininity, and I Got It!

As a person who was struggling with my own gender identity, and being afraid of being perceived as a freak (which duh, being a black, female-bodied cross-dresser with a bald head, 37 piercings and 14 tattoos didn’t make me freaky already!). I was afraid that presenting my truest self, as a man, would be the one thing that people could not handle...the thing that would push people over the edge and away from me. But as I looked at those images on the wall of transgendered womyn who were so daring to be themselves at a point and time when it was much less safe to do so than now, I thought to myself that we would not be where we are if they hadn’t dared to be who they are. I also felt the responsibility to live authentically so that next generation see’s possibilities. So I made the decision that night to fully, and publicly live in my truth no matter what.
            
 I write this for my beloved, family, friends, and my community. As I am reflectively headed toward my 40th year on this planet and taking stock of what I desire for this part of my journey to look like; I realize that I can no longer live in a fear that has keep me  from expressing myself fully as myself; as a transitioning transgendered man.

Transitioning from a black feminist dyke (from a lesbian separatist age) to Black transman (who is still a feminist) I get isn’t something that many who know me saw coming, but as my Dad said “who would really be surprised “?

I have often said that being born female bodied raised in a single parent household in a environment that lacked strong male representation but was rich in strong female role models probably saved my life.  Because of the tenacity of the womyn I witnessed growing up, I knew that I could carve my own path and that path has lead me to a fuller understanding of myself. So, I will forever value, adore, and appreciate the power of the feminine.

I sat in the Transgender Day of Remembrance service listening to Congressman Hastings’ impassioned words as he reflected on the change he has seen South Florida, and particularly Broward County as it has transitioned from segregated to progressive, and the price paid by the oppressed and their oppressors for that change. I got once again that oppression, in all of its forms, is inter-connected and that our actual fear of change is the very link to all forms of oppression.

I also realized that whether it’s conservatives who want to “protect the sanctity of marriage,” or  it’s the feminist lesbians who have known me as a part of this community for years and have expressed unwillingness to shift to male pronouns, the fear of change is a common link for us as a species. Sure if there is no change than there is not the challenge of changing, but then as well there is not the empowerment of growth either.  It is our fears that keep us in the strongest most fortified prison of ourselves with no necessity for armed guards, iron bars Or steel doors while we play Warden over the liberty, justice, and happiness of other’s.

As citizens we declare in the pledge of allegiance a land with liberty and justice for all, but spiritually I don’t think that we get that we are entitled to certain inalienable rights as a unique, divine, unrepeatable creations we are entitled to joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Most times fulfillment is on the other side of change and the lesson in change is releasing our attachments to people, places, and things, because our level of challenge with change is proportionate to level of attachment to a particular outcome.  The courage to CHANGE the things we can is not just a catchy line in a prayer it is a constantly unfolding mandate to continue to manifest our fullest ever evolving selves.

My family is not losing the experience of me as a daughter/sister, my womyn sister/friends are not losing the experience of me as a feminist womyn, and the community is not losing the experience of me as a “strong dyke”; but the new experiences of my now manifesting self would value the opportunity to be known as the man I feel blessed to be becoming.

My Dad told me he felt that for him “it’s not about who shows up at the table, but what they bring to the table.” Phil Wilson a leader I so value said, “People can’t love us if they don’t know us” and Congressman Hastings concluded his address that night with a call for guts. So I answer the call of these men who I hold dear to have the guts to let people know who I am by bringing my fullest self to the table. May we all manifest courage for change.


Bishop S.F. Makalani-MaHee is a Minister/Performing Artist.  He makes his home in the South Florida area.

It’s hard to believe that it has been seven months since I wrote the “Recession Lesson” (to see part I, click here). Since then, everything (and nothing) has changed. My life is still on a precarious slope threatening to plunge, but there have been many beacons of light along the way.

I’m officially a writer now. In July, I started my own blog, “The Musings of T.C. Galltin”, where I share my thoughts, my writing, my life. Of course every blogger wants to reach millions. I haven’t achieved that level of fame, but I’m satisfied with the supportive people who drop by to share a slice of my life with me.

In October, after months of patiently waiting, my novel Zaire's Place was finally published. As I fingered my author copy, I shed a tear. You cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to hold your dream in your hands. After years of hoping and praying that I would find a publisher, my dream came to fruition and I was able to see the fruit of a long struggle.

While one dream was coming to pass, my home life was falling apart. My mother was suffering from lung cancer. At first, she got better and the doctors told us the cancer was in remission. The whole family celebrated, laughed, and cried, all while thanking God that my mother was going to get a chance to see her grandchildren get older. Then, in September, she took a turn for the worse and had to go to a nursing home because my family couldn’t care for her.

Sometimes, I can be the master of denial. I went on with my life as I stayed under my mother’s roof…went on promoting my book, taking care of my daughter, etc. “Nothing’s going to happen to Mama,” I thought. “She beat the disease before; she’ll beat it again.”

While she was gone, the family continued to fall apart. My siblings and I engaged in wars under my mom’s roof. My brother vandalized my car. My sister and her daughter beat me up. The list goes on. There’s nothing worse than grown adults fist-fighting. Nothing. It’s the basest thing “adults” can do. And it’s the last thing I wanted to do, but I had to defend myself.

Anyway, I continued to be in denial about my mom until a phone call shattered my wall of self-denial. At the end of November, my sister called to tell me that our mom was dead. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent. To realize that your beginning has ended…to realize that the person who created you is gone…has got to be the most painful thing a human being can ever experience. Of course, losing the person you gave birth to has to be right up there with losing a parent. Hopefully, I won’t ever have to experience that. I pray everyday that I’m around to see my daughter get older.

I have made a modicum of peace with my mother’s death (as much as you can in a month of grieving). I know that she is here with us. Death is never final. Every time a light flickers, I think she’s near, letting my baby girl and me know that she’s watching over us. Every time I hear her favorite song, I know she’s near protecting us. As they say, “she’s gone but not forgotten.”

Eventually, I did manage to get financial help from Social Services. We even found out key details about my daughter’s father and it won’t be long before we catch up to him. I can’t wait until the day when I face him in court for child support.

I have grown more in love with my daughter everyday. Since I’m not close to my family and lost my mother, my daughter is all I have. She’s my blessing. When God sent her to me, He knew what He was doing, because after all that I’ve been through, I don’t think I would have been able to keep going if she wasn’t here.

I’m still being schooled by the recession…a personal recession that I’m patiently waiting to see the end of. With the death of my mom, my housing situation is very much up in the air. I have lost so much, but I know that with every loss, something is gained. Bad times don’t last forever and “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. I will come out of this recession stronger than I ever thought I could be and you will, too. You’ll see.

T.C. Galltin is the mother of one, a blogger and the author of Zaire's Place , a novel that explores the lives of three very different women at a domestic violence shelter in Baltimore, MD. Zaire’s Place is available in paperback, Kindle and Nook formats from Amazon and Barnes & Noble. To find out more about T.C., visit her websites at www.tcgalltin.com and www.themusingsoftc.blogspot.com. 

I've been reading a lot these days about polyamory. The theory itself is pretty convincing and so are the arguments against the heteopatriarchal myth of marriage:

"For instance, we may be in a relationship we are super into, but then want to have an experience outside that relationship with someone who shares a characteristic with us that our partner doesn't, whether that be race, language, age, class background, ability, trans identity, or something else. Our radical politics tell us we don't have to pretend that those things don't matter, and that we can honor the different connections we get to have we get to have with people based on shared or different identities. If we love our partners and friends, it makes sense that we would want them to have experiences that are affirming or important for them in those ways, and not let rules of sexual exclusivity make us into barriers for each other's personal development (For Lovers and Fighters, Dean Spade)."

Malaka is an anti-sexual violence activist. She is in the process of starting a community organization, Youth Institute for Anti-Sexual Violence Activism. She was born in Los Angeles but wants to move to San Francisco ASAP. Read more from Malaka at her blog, Hip Hop Cheerleader.

For once let’s examine this issue outside of the celebrity realm and put it into a cultural perspective. It is only in black culture where women are unfairly labeled golddigger for expecting a man to be the provider. How dare a black woman have the same requirements women of other races traditionally live by?

I’m not talking about women who purposely only seek out ballers so they can live a life of luxury just because they are beautiful with a banging body and an expensive weave. I’m referring to the average black woman who believes in courtship and prefers her future husband to be financially secure, but society falsely accuses her of digging for gold.

Time and time again black women are told by other black women and men to lower their standards. Expecting a man to have financial security is almost as bad as wanting a man who dare I say, reads. Hill Harper expressed this philosophy best in the ABC Nightline Face Off segment where he shared the story of Michelle Obama seeing the potential in Barack. “That is dating potential,” Harper said.

Author/Activist/Journalist/Producer Pearl Jr. in her 2007 article “The Gold Digger Lie Leads to Black Male Failure” wrote:

“Labeling the Black woman as a gold digger has serious consequences that demote innate motivating factors for Black men to achieve and acquire. The gold digger lie is a deliberate distortion of gender roles and is another method to destroy Black love, which inevitably leads to Black male failure, and that is directly tied to Black race malfunctions.”

You see in today's time, Black men are confused as to their role in relationships. The Black man wants to acquire all that life has to give, but isn’t being motivated properly due to the promotion of the Strong Black Women, who can do everything by herself, which simply makes the Black man (eventually) feel inadequate and be a failure at doing what nature built him to do…

Tell Black men to spend every dollar he earns on meaningless items and White women, and he'll do that each and every chance he gets. Meanwhile, tell him if he spends one penny on a Black woman he is a fool and she is a gold digger, and he'll believe that even though there are no massive amounts of Black women living well from some Black man's money.

Most Black women live in the ghetto. Most White women live in big houses and are unemployed. I mean damn are they seeing the reality of life or believing the hype?Believing the hype about the Black gold digger simply stops the recycling of Black dollars and puts the money right back into the mans hands.”

Pearl Jr. is indeed making a gigantic leap from A to Z. However, there is some truth in her theory. Pearl goes on to explain that there are those black women who are living lavishly off some black man’s money, but the percentage is most likely five percent. Meaning 95 percent of black women are working, providing for themselves or contributing to the finances of their household.

“In reality, we Black women are the ONLY women that accept, love, give to, and have sex with men that have nothing. The proof is all around us. The single Black mother living in the ghetto is the woman that accepts Black men unconditionally.”

Pearl’s observation of black women being the only women who accept a black man for anything, yet have nothing in return, leads to the idea of this being a cultural issue exclusive only to blacks.

In accessing the golddigger phenomenon as a cultural issue I interviewed people of Asian, Indian, white, Hispanic and European descent.

Stuart McDonald, a white male, had this to say:

“Why do black women get such a bad rap for having standards? It seems as if they're almost expected to settle for whatever black man they can get (or go get them a white or Latino or Asian man). Having standards are a good thing; it's the having of baseless, hypocritical standards that are unhealthy.”

Riya Anandwala from Mumbai, India weighed in:

“From the standpoint of the Indian tradition, a family, even today, would want a very well-settled man for their daughter. The definition of well settled may differ from caste to caste, but the man has to earn well enough to feed the wife. To be entirely honest with you, my mother wants a guy who is well settled, earns a good salary, has securities such as a house, good savings. She will never let me get married to [a] man who doesn't earn "good enough." And I totally agree with her, because I want the same things. Now does that make me or my mother a gold-digger? No. This attitude of Indian parents and even children dates back to the old tradition of man being the head of the family.

They depend on their husband's salary, because that's the way it works. A lot of these women who want a good salaried guy also hail from a wealthy or upper middle-class family. But even if the woman's family is not that settled, they would want a guy better than what they are.”

German Vigil, a Latino male from El Salvador added:

“Black women are demonized as such “gold diggers” because of the materialistic needs that are imposed to them through the media. If you are good looking and have a great body like the video women then you should date a man that is a baller. Now the problem lies with black women, because they make it obvious that they are only with guys for money.

In my culture it is very necessary to provide for your family. It is the man’s sole responsibility. It is what creates him the head of the household. Ask yourself what woman does not want a man that can or have the means to take care of them. If you as a woman think you are so independent, would you date a man without a job or goals? But that’s another issue…”

So either we’re golddiggers or too independent. Got it.

Napoleon Harris (yes, that’s his real name), a black male chimed in:

“Brothers may very well be suffering from some Willie lynch shit, and for that reason be unconsciously drawn to other races. As a result sisters get unfair flack for trying to marry up. Also, some brothers may feel slighted if he isn't up enough for the sister to desire him. It is then that the self-hate may kick in and say well to hell with you any way... you gold digger. Whereas when an Indian woman or an Oriental woman or even a white woman does the same thing he feels like he just wasn't her cup of tea.”

Linshan Li from China added:

“Most Chinese women are under a lot of economic pressures and they are looking for a man who can provide them with some semblance of financial security. That does not equal to "material girl" who has insatiable desire for diamonds or Louis Vuitton purses, who treats her husband as a walking ATM machine. They do want to "dig" some "gold" from their future husbands, but only hoping to make sure that they'll have a decent life, that means to have enough money to buy a roof over their heads and enjoy some pleasures of life, to have enough money for their future child's education and their health care and retirement. It is common that a Chinese man has to provide a house/condo/apartment for the marriage before the girl he wants to marry says yes.”

Andrew Anderson from Sheffield, England shared his view on the topic:

“The idea of a woman marrying a man for money is fairly common, moreso than the idea of a man marrying a woman for the same reason (toy boy/kept man). The most famous example I can think of is Anna Nicole Smith, or Debbie Daniels in England. I can't say it is associated with race in England.

The concept of a woman marrying for money is far more prevalent, and I don't think it is viewed in a negative light. Marriage is traditionally seen as the coming together of two people who will be greater than the sum of their parts, rather than as something you do for love - love grows out of it, or at least respect.

If someone had come up to me in the street and said "which group do you most associate with gold-digging?" I would have said white, middle class women...or Jewish women.”

There you have it. Our men are the only ones who buy into the idea that if a man pays for a $30 spa treatment he is “tricking” and she is a golddigger for even asking for such pleasantries. Granted a spa is not a necessity, but it seems black folks are the only ones subscribing to the concept of women being a golddigger for wanting anything that causes a man to pull out his wallet.

Both black men and women have to deprogram our mentalities from all of the bull we’ve been taught that promotes the white hierarchy. The golddigger phenomenon may seem harmless, but it has tremendous affects on the way we view one another.

Why are black women typically labeled as golddiggers more than any other race of women? What is the difference between what Riya from Mumbai described or what Tanisha from the Bronx expects? How do we move past all the labels and reignite healthy black relationships?

- Bene Viera

 In 2012, it is time to pull the boxing gloves on for the full and final round of the thick versus fat fight debate. Since joining the Twitter community in early 2011, I have been witnessing women of all shapes, sizes, and frames, battling it out about what each term means and how it should be applied based on a woman's proportions.

According to most tweople that I've witnessed battling back and forth about it, Nicki Minaj is considered thick and shapely while Mo'Nique and Gabourey Sidibe live on the other end of the spectrum -- fat and unattractive. Though these debates have been entertaining to read and comment on, for the life of me, I can't figure out who established themselves as the judge of thickness compared to fatness or WHY it matters!

As a full figured woman who happens to be amazingly gorgeous (if I do say so myself), I am offended at the thought that the measure of my beauty is based upon my the length of my waist and the relation between my waist size and hip span. In the "Barbie" era where physical appearance is more cherished than intelligence, I have grown tired of women being judged based on what they have to offer physically rather than what matters in the long haul -- fortitude, intellect, dedication, and love.

I'm often referred to as thick and if I were paid $5 for every time I've heard the overused line, "You're not that fat girl. You're solid," I would be a millionaire thrice over by now. Granted, I am very -- for lack of a better word -- solid. I am proportioned well and thanks to the power of my beloved girdles (which I encourage all plus-sized divas to invest in), when I am gliding down the street, my rolls aren't busting all over the place. This can also be attributed to the fact that I buy clothes that actually fit well and accentuate my greatest physical assets. However, I digress.

Being referred to as thick and/or fat doesn't bother me because I embrace who I am. When I look in the morning every morning and tell myself, "Evette, you are beautiful. You are worthy of all great things. I love you," I see a gorgeous woman not defined by her weight or society's expectations of how I "should" look. I realize all that I have to offer the world and I invest in those qualities rather than the superficial characteristics that our society seems to cherish. When men -- even boyfriends -- drool in front of the television while Melyssa Ford and other video models bounce their breasts in music videos, I am not bothered by it because I've never been shunned or devoid of love because my stomach is almost as large as my behind.

What bothers me most about the comparison between "thick" and "fat" is where this ideal stems from and how it is beginning to define women and their value as it did the Hottentot Venus, an African woman who was put on display because her large bottom and long labia were appealing to European men. Women have more to offer the world than their curves and it's about time we embraced that instead of arguing over Twitter about the differences between Mo'Nique and Nicki Minaj.

Besides, there is fine line between being thick and fat. In fact, thick and fat can co-exist together. Now, don’t twist this concept. I realize that Melyssa Ford’s “ideal” proportions can never be compared to my 40-40 something-40 something measurements. I might be a tad bit outrageous, but I am far from pyschotic (thanks Mama Jones!) All I’m saying is that it is possible for a woman to be over the ideal weight and still be considered “thick.”

I’m well into the 180/200-pound range and I’m still hearing the “You are not fat. You’re just solid” speech, so who determines the difference between thick and fat again? The moral of this blog post is, never allow your value to be determined by society’s labels. Whether you are thick, fat, obese, or whatever other title has been placed on you to define your weight, don’t let those labels define YOU!

Evette Dionne is a senior attending Bennett College in Greensboro, North Carolina. Her writings focus on issues relevant to full figured women, such as the economics of plus-sized fashion and self-esteem. She is the editor-in-chief of BELLE, Bennett's student magazine and a contributor for BettyConfidential.com, HBCU Buzz, Full Figured News and Urban Cusp. Check out her blog (www.lifefashioncurves.blogspot.com) and follow her on Twitter (@LuvEvetteDionne)

Once you start changing your thoughts to believe there is enough love and success to go around in this world, your realities will change drastically. I've been working on this for a long time, and like any other change, this can't happen overnight. When I think back, however, I realize that I've changed drastically. Even as a "positive person", most of my thoughts were centered on lack. We can change this pattern if we make up our minds to do so. In order to become rich, abundance must first be an experience in our minds.

1. Start and end the day with gratitude. Many of us were raised to pray daily. But how were we taught to pray? I can remember always praying for things. I would give thanks, but I was always praying for God to intervene and fix something. However you choose to center yourself and connect with Spirit, whether it's prayer or other methods, be sure to focus your energy on gratitude for everything that is going on in your life. Be thankful for the awareness that everything that happens is natural and beneficial. Pray for strength and peace no matter what situations evolve.

2. Manage jealousy and competitiveness. There is enough love to go around. I think I should say that again - there is enough love to go around. Instead of feeling jealous of someone else's success, be motivated by it. Convert any negative energy into positive energy by giving compliments and supporting those who are doing what you want to do. If you are waiting to meet that special someone, and it seems that everyone around you is coupling up and getting married, don't let those yucky feeling get the best of you. Be patient and faithful, believing that this is just one aspect of your life and the best thing you can do to attract someone special to work on yourself. Jealousy will create bitterness inside of you, which won't attract anything good!

3. Trust that you have all the money you need. This is a tough one. We all want more money, don't we? Until we learn to manage and appreciate what we have, we will not successfuly gain and MAINTAIN more. I've struggled with money management for most of my adult life, and have just started cleaning things up in the last couple years. I would spend money as if it was literally going to run away from me if I didn't hurry up and spend it. This comes from a mentality focused on lack. When we adopt a mentality of abundance, we always have enough and we create the space to have more. Try it and see for yourself.

4. Make your dream your most habitual thought. Instead of your thoughts centering around unpaid bills, loneliness, an unfulfilling job - think about the life that you want. Think about it all the time. See it. Dream it. Feel it. Imagine how it will feel to make your dreams become reality. You may not know how it will happen exactly, but you should spend ample time thinking about why this is the life you want to lead and use these thoughts as motivation. Take steps in the right direction and don't give up. This is the determined path of winners - they work through their fear of failure and believe in their dreams religiously.

5. Learn to be a giver. Even when you think that you have nothing left, give. Whether it's your time, a kind word, or a sympathetic ear. Learning to give will set you up to be ready and worthy to receive. When we cling to ourselves and our things, we are once again embracing the idea of lack. Don't listen to the messages that dominate this world and tell us that there is not enough and we must cling to our own. When we give our time and our energy to each other, we create a cycle of generosity that gets bigger and bigger as more of us adopt this philosophy. When you think of yourself as rich, and you give as though you were rich, you will receive in kind.

GG Renee is a writer, consultant, and advocate for the success and emotional well-being of the modern woman.  She infuses the concepts of self-love and personal development into everything she writes.  Based in the Washington DC area, she does relationship management for a financial services company by day; while her free time is filled with writing, networking and pursuing everything her heart desires.  She believes it is her calling to be a persistent voice that speaks joy back into the hearts of women.  GG is one half of the duo behind the happiness blog, Peace Love and Pretty Things.  She also shares her personal journey of transformation on her blog, The Write Curl Diary.

The seeds of my feminism were planted early. Women predominate my childhood memories. And not just any women: strong, Black women. Sisters who did it for themselves. The kind of women Lil Boosie writes songs about (I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T). These women instilled in me the value of self-sufficiency and hard work.  They taught me what it meant to navigate the world as a Black woman in a racist, sexist society.

Recently I was asked a question in light of the new year, "What can Black women do to be more womanly?" I thought for a second because truthfully the question sounded kind of strange. I'm not a fashion expert nor do I dabble in makeup artistry so my advice wasn't going to dwell on those points. Then it hit me like a Mac truck. (Get it? Mac? No? Okay.) The one thing Black women can do to be better in general is to be themselves.

Now hold on. This isn't going to be corny, I swear. As many people have already complained, everyone wants to be a barbie now. With the newly found fame of Nicki Minaj, young Black women seem to have found a new leader and model for success. Because of her nicknames of Nicki Minaj and Nicki the Harajuku Barbie, there has been a massive surge of name changes across the world.

No, the DMV[1] hasn't been ambushed, I'm talking about on social networking sites. Those with Facebooks, MySpaces, or Twitters can attest to this. How many Jane Minaj's do you know? How many people do you follow with the word 'Barbie' in their name? That's not to say that men aren't being equally as insane with the Joseph WakaFlaka Smiths' out there. But this is focused on the women. I say all that to say, my answer to that question was be yourself because we can't be feeding into the gross stereotypes of the past. What stereotypes are those you ask?

Patricia Hill-Collins wrote about the four main stereotypes or controlling images for Black women. These stereotypes are the Mammy, the Matriarch, the Welfare Mother, and finally the Jezebel or the Whore. According to Hill-Collins, these are images that were used to oppress black women. According to Hazel Carby, these images are used "not to reflect or represent a reality but to function as a disguise, or mystification, of objective social relations."

 In other words, they don't reflect the true nature of Black women and simply classify them, it instead makes it appear as though these are the only types of Black women out there. Hill-Collins goes on to say, "The dominant ideology of the slave era fostered the creation of four interrelated, socially constructed controlling images of Black womanhood, each reflecting the dominant group's interest in maintaining Black women's subordination." So these images are meant to keep Black women down. They weren't meant to empower in any way and still to this day do not empower. While there are four images, I will describe all four but focus on two for the sake of succinctness and relevance to the "be true to yourself" answer I gave.

Mammy

Traditionally, the mammy was the Black mother figure in white homes. "The faithful, obedient domestic servant... represents the normative yardstick used to evaluate all Black women’s behavior. By loving, nurturing, and caring for her white children and ‘family’ better than her own, the mammy symbolizes the dominant group’s perceptions of the ideal Black female relationship to elite white male power. Even though she may be well loved and may wield considerable authority in her white ‘family,’ the mammy still knows her ‘place’ as obedient servant. She has accepted her subordination."

While this doesn't address the wannabe Barbies out there, this is still true for older women. We're told to take care of others before ourselves.

Matriarch

"The Black mother figure in Black homes... the “bad” Black mother... fail their traditional “womanly” duties. Spending too much time away from home, these working mothers ostensibly cannot properly supervise their children and are a major contributing factor to their children’s school failure. As overly aggressive, unfeminine women, Black matriarchs allegedly emasculate their lovers and husbands. These men, understandably, either desert their partner or refuse to marry the mothers of their children. Elite white men see her as the failed mammy. The source of the matriarch’s failure is her inability to model appropriate gender behavior."

The Matriarch is also doomed to failure (in the eyes of society) because she is solely responsible for her children's success and when they fail, she fails. This is a problem because if Black women are told they must choose between these four images this is the one most people are going to opt for. Black women have to face a lot of obstacles and because of this, some have developed a tough shell. The problem with that is she then comes off as a strong, insensitive b-word that rhymes with witch, if I may.

She is then scorned for not being cordial and political in corporate America even though she is behaving like everyone else. And she is even judged by Black men because the Matriarch often times refuses to let others help her and has that "pull yourself up by your bootstrap" mentality that many claim the poor should have but when it is actually instilled it is a turn off. She won't let a man help her which emasculates him and makes him have no value in that relationship.

Welfare Mother

"African-Americans can be racially stereotyped as being lazy by blaming Black welfare mothers for failing to pass on the work ethic. Moreover, the welfare mother has no male authority figure to assist her. Typically portrayed as an unwed mother..."

The image of the unwed Black women who is lazy and sucks up welfare is not uncommon in film, TV, and other media.

The Jezebel

"Whore, sexually aggressive woman... central in this nexus of elite white male images of Black womanhood because efforts to control Black women’s sexuality lie at the heart of Black women’s oppression... Provides a rationale for the widespread sexual assaults by white men typically reported by Black slave women."

The image of the sexually aggressive woman was one that was started to justify rape and the ownership of slave children as property. After all, what emotional worth is one slave baby if a Black woman loves sex anyway and is just going to pop out more? This image strikes home to me the most because so often in the days of Lil Kim and Nicki Minaj and other sexually explicit[2] female rappers women have chosen to take on this persona as, "I'm going to be as forthcoming and outright as men are when it comes to discussing sex." While they are fighting to be equal and overcome the sexual double standard, they instead reinforce an age-old stereotype and inadvertently oppress themselves. Nobody takes them seriously in the workplace nor in a relationship.

I guess the long version of my answer is not only to be yourself, but also to know who you are, and know what others expect of you as well. Now that we all know these controlling images that we can so often feed into, we can fight the stereotype. Do you think these stereotypes still exist? Are they a driving force in many movies, TV shows, and other media? If you had to answer the question of what can Black women do to be more womanly what would you have said?

P.S. If you type in "black women" into Google the second entry is "Jezebel Stereotype". Interesting.

[1] I think that's the first time I used the acronym DMV to mean Department of Motor Vehicles instead of DC, MD, and VA.

[2] This isn't a debate on the merit of female rappers who rap equally as sexually explicit as their male counterparts. That is a discussion that cannot be covered in a quick and sweeping sentence.

Dear Ashlee, Daniel, and Adam:

I love each of you. You each bring me immeasurable joy. You each have traits that shock and amaze me. Ashlee, your ability to “cut through the crap” will serve you well as you grow into womanhood. Daniel, you are kind, loving, and sensitive. These traits will make you an incredible father. Adam, your fearlessness scares me and makes me jealous that I’m not as fearless as you. As your birthdays roll around this year, I wanted to let you all know I am glad that I am your Mom.

I got to spend my birthday with MeMaw. I knew on that day it would be the last time I would ever see her on my birthday. I was filled with pain and sorrow and joy. Grandma Ella was special to each of you, as she was to me. If you put her life in perspective, she was an extraordinary woman. She was the three worst things a person could be in Alabama when she was born in 1941: poor, black, and female.

She taught me some very valuable lessons about life and love. I want to share some of them with you: 

Never say no to love. Love comes in so many different forms. Grandma never flaunted her romantic relationships for the world to see, but she never hid the fact that she loved her children and her grandchildren with great abandon. She never rejected people for being gay or white or rich or poor or crazy. She always had a plate to feed hungry people. She always found a dollar to give, even when she didn’t have enough for herself. She loved everybody. She treated every single person like they were a child of God. Approach every aspect of your life with love. Sometimes people may hurt you, but often times they won’t. I’m not saying put yourself in a situation where you can physically or emotionally be hurt. There are times, too, when you must love someone enough to walk away.

Never think you are alone. I am here for you. If I can give it to you, I will. If I can’t, I will do everything in my power to help. Mama opened her doors to me, and let me come home when things got really awful for me. She never made me feel bad. She never made me feel like I had to beg or be ashamed. As your Mama, please know, you can always come home to me. You are not alone.

Never underestimate the power of prayer. Mama walked a groove in the floor in our apartment on Edgemont. She would walk and pray. We came to Montgomery with literally the clothes on our back. She prayed that God would bless her with nice dresses to wear to church. She had one dress when we came to Montgomery. She wore it every Sunday for 4 months. When she died, she had three closets filled with beautiful dresses, hats, shoes, and purses. She always believed in looking good to go see Jesus. She prayed to see each of her children graduate; we did. She prayed that we always had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies; we did. She prayed that we would have happy marriages and happy children… sometimes things don’t work out, but Miss Ella wanted the best for us all.

Never pass on a chance to laugh. Mama loved to laugh. She loved to make people laugh. She never let anything stop her from finding the humor in everything. Her favorite comedy bit of all time was that crazy parody video “We Miss Robert” by Ricky Smiley. She told me to see if I could find a spinning rim to put in her casket like they did in that video. She was dying, but able to find something funny. We must have laughed at 100 things over those 4 days. We laughed about 3 year old Ashlee going to my college graduation in a fancy dress and no underwear. We laughed about Daniel singing and dancing to his favorite song “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones. We laughed about both the boys trying to put a stop to me and their Daddy getting married. We laughed that Adam told her on the phone, “Look, MeMaw, I’m busy. I can’t talk to you.” She thought that was hysterical. When I look back on the time I spent with her right before she died, I will always remember the laughter. Her favorite old school saying was, “Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.” She was right. So laugh, kids.

Your Grandmother was an amazing woman. She raised 4 kids of her own and 6 that were not hers. She loved music. She baked the best sweet potato pie and pound cake you ever put in your mouth. She’d whip your butt if you needed it. She’d hug you and wipe away your tears, if you needed it. She made us all feel like we were special. She was proud of each of us for different reasons.

When I close my eyes, I can see each of your little faces looking up at me the first time I held you. Each time, I thought my heart would burst from the love. Your Grandma Ella was there for each of your births. Ashlee, the way you took care of Mama during her cancer and while she was dying was a very heroic act. You were there the day she died. One day, I will die. I hope on that day, you will each be able to say what I say about my Mama: “She did the best she could with what she had, and I know more than anything; that lady loved me.”

 Happy Birthday, Babies!

Tangela Ekhoff is a wife, mom, stand up comic from Oklahoma. She holds a B.S. and M.Ed. from Auburn University. Tangela has worked as a teacher, publicist, and during the Great Recession, a maid. She wrote and produced a one woman show based on her experiences called "The Recession Maid Me Do It." She writes about her experiences in motherhood and comedy on her blog Homegirl on the Range. She has been featured in Woman's Day Magazine and the Tulsa World.

Photo Credit: Tangela Ekhoff

When I gave birth to my daughter Khari, I felt intent on mirroring my mother’s method of raising me consciously. My mother prepared me early on that there was racism in the world and the educated mind was the tool for battle. As she greased my scalp and braided my hair, my mother hugged me between her knees as I practiced my growing vocabulary at 8 years old, reading aloud from books the words of great minds like Chancellor Williams and Franz Fanon. I was thoroughly educated backwards and forwards of the trials and tribulations of our ancestors and raised holistically in the footsteps of my culturally-conscious Black mother.

Our goal as a people, I believed, was to overcome racism and become a strong collective that has a stronghold on our interests socially, economically, politically, educationally, etc. Shoot, that wasn’t so far fetched, I reasoned as a youth. I looked and believed that the Chinese people collectively own every carry-out in my hometown of Washington DC. The East Indian and Middle Eastern people own every 7-eleven around and have portions of the city dedicated to their culture. And white people, it seems, own everything else. Why was it unrealistic to set such high goals?

So, traipsing into the “new world”, as I called life on my own, I felt pretty prepared to meet head-on the racism I knew would be awaiting me -- the racism that had peeked out of pockets in my all-black neighborhoods as a young child, blossomed into closed minded professors and racist rhetoric in college newspapers when I spent four years at the local university and plucked me incessantly when I was reminded how offensive I could be for simply existing when I was denied interviews based on my strong African-Islamic name (you don’t look like a “Khadijah” I was told once.)

Racism, ha! It was no match for me at all. My mother talked about all with me before-hand. But what she really didn’t spend too much time on, I realize now is the area of relating.

My personal experiences with relating with others in our community have always worked best on the superficial level, teetered if challenged and crumbled at the first effort to move past the superficial. From the men who would rather be “friends with benefits” than friends who discuss politics, the spirit and a commitment, to the girlfriends who pledge forever friendship until a man comes on the scene, my personal life has been challenged with the idea of relating.

Our failing ability to relate to each other on an intimate level in our own community is something we rarely talk about but can be so painful and soul-toxic that it runs like poison into the relationships we form with each other as adults, the relationships we have with our offspring and the relationships we build with others outside of our community.



We can talk about the surface issues of someone being jealous or someone not having self-esteem or having commitment issues, but we don’t discuss it in depth with each other, the people involved, the reasons we are uncomfortable and how to turn the situation into one where understanding and acceptance are the goal. Some say that it depends on whether you were raised in a single parent home or two-parent home that dictates how you will relate to others. To that, I totally disagree. I’ve witnessed children turned adults who come from two parent families who are even more clueless than I about what it takes to make a relationship between two people work. They’ve been raised by two parents who are still together, but don’t necessarily talk to each other, listen to each other or demonstrate acts of kindness and communication.

Beyond racism, beyond sexism, we have reached a critical stump where relating to one another and communicating beyond simply talking is difficult for some and unattainable for most. Adults have fallen so deep into a trend of looking the part that the substance inherent in intimacy building and basic empathetic conversation has diminished. We have taken a value system of education, extended family, oral history, traditional honor custom, elder revering and rites of passage and replaced it with ideals that value money lording, “baby mama/fatha” drama, fashion idolatry and glorified entertainment. One set of values that uphold relating and sharing, replaced by values that promote separation and self.

And maybe it’s easier. Maybe it’s easier to focus on the superficial if it means not rocking the boat and at least giving the appearance of everything being okay. I know personally that it is easier to watch MTV with my daughter’s father and smile and grin and get along rather than discuss with him how it really bothers me that we don’t talk about anything that isn’t on television.

But it does something to me at a soul level when I don’t speak to him. It disturbs me on a soul level when I don’t speak up when someone has hurt my feelings and been insensitive and it hurts me, almost irreparably, when someone considered a friend, finds it easier to choose to disassociate with me or act passive aggressively rather than address personally what it is that I’ve done that has hurt them. So, as I feel my soul aches, I venture to wonder, how many others are out there aching as well. How many, I wonder, yearn to relate and shed our present state of separation and get together to share, really share, listen and love?

So, as two-year old Khari learns to speak paragraphs and identify her shapes, colors and numbers, I follow in my mother’s footsteps and strive to raise her conscious. Coupled with her legacy of black self-knowledge, I promise her as well that, as I learn and grow, she will also be taught and know the gift of relating.

- Khadijah Ali-Coleman, Khadijah Online

Khadijah "Moon" Ali-Coleman is editor of the anthology, Liberated Muse Volume I: How I Freed My Soul and founder of So Our Youth Aspire (SOYA). She is contributing editor atSoulBounce.com and manages the blog Transforming Places Into Art Spaces. She hails from the Washington DC 
area. Visit her website at www.KhadijahOnline.com and follow on Twitter @KhadijahOnline.