by Iresha Picot

She yelled all the time.

Yelled about the house not being cleaned.

Yelled about my school work.

Yelled about spending too much time on the phone.

Yelled that the music was too loud.

She just always yelled.

I can remember thinking about cutting her vocal box out of her once. Or a few times. I told her this in a fit of rage, when I was about 16. She just looked at me and yelled some more. I am pretty sure that Audre Lorde was talking about my mama when she said, “I am deliberate and afraid of nothing”.
My mama didn’t always yell. When I was a young girl, my mama was noted for her laughter and the jokes she told to not only her own children, but to the children who would come over to our home. They loved my mama’s jokes and her eagerness to make everyone laugh.
I have fond memories of my mama as a child. She used to let me rest on her lap all the time or ride me on the back of her bike as we went on adventures through our small country town. As the youngest of three girls, I used to have her all to myself when my sisters would go off to school and my dad went to work. And we had fun. Going to her girlfriend’s home, to the beauty salon, out to eat; wherever my Mama went, I was right there with her. Even when my sisters came home from school, there were good times to be had by all. On Saturdays, she would walk the three of us, hand and hand to the Three Guys restaurant for pizza across the train tracks from our home; telling us jokes the whole way. On Sundays, we awoke to pancakes being cooked, and the Alvin and the Chipmunks record being played on our record player. We danced, and laughed. We enjoyed our Mama.
Then things changed. My dad became addicted to crack cocaine. Things became hard. My mother started to laugh less. She started yelling more.

Her workload increased as well.

With my daddy’s addiction, his paycheck would be depleted in two days. Sometimes the same day. Bills weren’t getting paid, and we struggled. We moved at least once a year. Sometimes twice. Our electricity was never on. We couldn’t even afford the $25 dollars for our books at school. My mother started working 2 to 3 jobs to compensate for my father’s habit. She rarely slept, going from one job to the next. We hardly saw her and when we did, we stayed out of her way if we didn’t want to be yelled at. Even moments that seem to be fun times with my mother turned sour. I can vividly remember on one of her rare off days watching our favorite television show, Martin, together. We went from busting it up, laughing loudly at Martin’s punch lines, to her becoming upset. Her mood could change like a light switch.

She would suddenly look up and realize that the house was dirty and the yelling and cursing would start. “Why is the house so fucking dirty?” or “I work all damn day and no one washed the dishes.” It got to a point where we started to enjoy her being away from the home. It was peaceful.
She also developed these control issues. Probably because her own life was spinning out of control. She couldn’t make our plight much better, even by working several jobs. She couldn’t stop her husband from smoking crack. The only little bit of control she had was overpowering her children. If we didn’t do something my mama wanted, she went into her rages. She hid the home telephone when she went to work, and we were trapped in the house without being able to communicate to anyone. She did this, too, with simple things such as the soap powder. If she was mad at us, we couldn’t wash clothes. This was the same for the iron, the cable cord, the soda. She had to have control over everything. Over us. But not herself.

I have great empathy for my mama’s plight now. She struggled to raise children in poverty by herself, and in return, she developed mental health problems. As a mental health professional, I now understand that my mother was suffering from stress related mental health issues. My mama was unhappy in her own life. Even with a husband present, she was raising her children up as an overworked, Single Black Mother. She fell into her own stereotypes. In Black communities, Black women aren’t supposed to crack. We are not supposed to become depressed, even when we experience poverty, poor and unstable living conditions, psychosocial challenges, and white supremacy.

Just because we are Black and Woman.

Black Women, as the keepers of children, suffer silently. They have to be present under this system to raise vibrant children. It is a difficult task, at best, because if our children do not flourish under our rearing, it is the mamas who have to answer for those failures. As the great bell hooks stated, we must “cherish our mothers,” not just uphold them for the things that they do for us, but also assist them in making their load lighter. If we see a mother struggling, we have to be there as a community to lift her up and when we see her not doing well, we have to be able to assist in creating a space for her to be able to say that she is tired and needs help. Yes, we need to cherish mothers.

After I wrote this piece, I decided to not only share the content with my mother, but to also include her voice. What follows is an interview that I did with her when she came to visit me on 5/14/15.
Conversation with my Mama

Iresha: What were some of the struggles you faced with basically raising your children by yourself?

Mom: Trying to pay the bills. The bills were always on my mind. It was a constant worry. Also, for five years, I did not work, and with your father’s drug problem, not only was I thrown into having to go to work, I had to work 2 to 3 jobs, which means I always had to go to work and leave my children around.

Iresha: The name of this piece is called “The Mama that Yelled.” Do you think that you yelled a lot when you were raising your children?

Mom: To be honest, yes. I didn’t know that at the time, but I see how it affected you now. My mother yelled, and her mother yelled. We were just a yelling family and it seemed normal. But yes, I can say I yelled at you all a lot.

Iresha: Do you ever reflect back on that time and wonder what you could have done differently? If so, what are you doing now with your children to change those patterns?

Mom: I could have been a better mom with my attitude and did family things with my children.

Iresha: Do you think that you suffered from depression at that time?

Mom: Absolutely. I just had so much on me and it was kind of hard. I was away from my family in DC and so I had no family here in Virginia for my own personal support. Your dad’s family helped me out a lot with raising you all, but I had no one to talk about my husband being on drugs and having to struggle. I cried all the time. I cried in the morning, at work. Especially, when your father would come home on pay day and there was no money. He had spent it on drugs.

Iresha: What advice would you give mamas, raising children by themselves?

Mom: Whatever you do, put your children first. Be a good mother to your children. And for the mothers and their own health, use your support systems and look to God; because to me that is looking up.

Photo: Shutterstock

Iresha Picot, M.Ed, BSL is a Licensed Behavior Specialist and Therapist in Philadelphia. Iresha is also an activist, with a lot of her work concentrating on prison abolitionist and birth work as a Doula. Her Doula website is 52ndstreetdoula.com

by Ariel C. Williams

As told by the media, Black motherhood is plagued with rage, neglect, or mourning. Although positive images of Black TV moms are slowly returning, the overall consensus seems to be that we’re devoid of raising well-nurtured and functional children. For those of us empathically raised by attentive and understanding Black mothers, we know that this simply isn’t true. We’ve seen firsthand how beautiful Black motherhood truly is and anticipate its emulation in our own parent-child relationships. When the media proves that these relationships don’t exist, we tend to find happy mediums online, which is filled with thriving communities and blogs in support of healthy, Black motherhood. Today, we’re highlighting 10 Black mom bloggers who dedicate their online brands to depicting the loving, uplifting motherhood that many of us know so well.

1. Mommy Week

Ashley Marshall-Seward is the brains behind popular lifestyle and parenting blog, Mommy Week. Her blog is filled with home and parenting hacks, delectable recipes, family travel and resources on living an organic life. You will notice that Ashley homeschools her three beautiful children, who are smart and entrepreneurial. Having partnered with major brands while showcasing loving mother-children relationships, Mommy Week’s online pulse is sensational and inspiring for moms and mom bloggers everywhere. It’s clear that this Black mom is dedicated to parenting on an exceptional level.

2. Mama Knows It All

Brandi Jeter started Mama Knows It All almost five years ago to chronicle the joy and pain of being a then single mother. Since inception, her blog has transformed into a go-to resource for “women all over the world who are looking for encouragement as they figure out what being a mom means for them.” Brandi often gushes over her adorable daughter and “newlywed-ish” husband, while also sharing helpful tips, hacks, stories, and information that not only uplift moms everywhere, but inspire them as well.

3. We Got Kidz

What’s in a name? We Got Kidz founder and editor Kesha Phillips wastes no time letting readers know the reason for her hysterical parenting and entertainment blog! This blog has a plethora of information ranging from her own personal anecdotes of raising kids, to all-age child development, to family health and care. We also appreciate that Kesha and her husband still find time to remain “cool” while raising their cute twins.

4. Fab Haute Mama

A blog about “life, love, motherhood, and musings” is the tagline at Fab Haute Mama. But MJ Jacks, the site’s founding editor, has found a unique way to make it so much more. At any given moment, you’ll find breathtaking photos of her small children on social media with a follow up post about motherhood lessons she’s learned from her Caribbean heritage. In addition, FHM is jampacked with the best books for children, family recipes, summer activities, and second pregnancy stories.

5. Moms ‘N Charge

Christine St. Vil, the FLY Mom Coach of Moms ‘N Charge, offers fantastic parenting and self-care counsel. She believes that in order for moms to be effective in motherhood (and anything else), one must First Love Yourself, or what she terms as FLY. Christine’s blog is filled with professional accomplishments, but her greatest one seems to be mothering her three gorgeous children.

6. Pharr Away

Nicole Pharr’s mission at Pharr Away is “to inspire, encourage, and inform in a way that impacts the world, no matter how small, through the sharing of my own experiences and findings.” Like the other mom bloggers featured, this blog is a heartfelt reflection of parenting with grace while balancing marriage, work, and self-care. Readers will also find content on health, fitness, and cooking.

7. Product Review Mom

These days, teaching our children the principles of entrepreneurship is equally important. Louida Martin of Product Review Mom lives by an entrepreneurial example that her two girls and interested moms can learn from. Here, you’ll find reviews on the best and safest products for your family to use, travel ideas, and how to generate an at-home income from it all.

8. Rattles & Heels

Who said moms have to succumb to “mom jeans” after having kids? Grenadian blogger Adanna from Rattles & Heels shows moms every day that you can “look amazing while raising kids.” And based on her blog, she’s doing both with grace and excellence. While Adanna’s online space is hip with fashion, beauty, and natural hair tips, it’s dually equipped with great parenting advice, day trips, and personal truths of a two-time mom and wife.

9. The Young Mommy Life

Tara’s mission for The Young Mommy Life is to “help young mothers everywhere make informed decisions about their relationships, education, careers, and parenting style.” YML features content on food, love, family, money, school, beauty, fashion, and health. Throughout her highly syndicated content, you’ll find photos and references of Tara’s young kids as tokens of her maternal love.

10. Diary of a First Time Mom

Some people create diaries when embarking on a new journey. But when Diary of a First Time Mom’s founding editor Heather Hopson became a new mother, her diary became visible to millions of moms worldwide. With a growing masthead, DFTM creates content for moms-to-be, new moms and their babies, and beyond. No matter the subject, the content you’ll find on this blog is created to help mothers become better at self-care, building healthy relationships, and everything else motherhood has to offer.

All photos taken from the bloggers featured on this list.

Ariel C. Williams is a freelance writer, author, and virtual assistant based in Florida. She thrives on connecting with women about life, love and goals through professional endeavors, social interactions and her debut book The Girl Talk Chronicles (Amazon). Follow her on Twitter @ArielSaysNow.

by Kristina Brooke

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 16 years old and generalized anxiety disorder at 17. My mother did not take either diagnosis seriously. She was a registered nurse, yet she often commented that my diagnosis stemmed from wanting attention. Like many Black parents, especially those who identify as Christian, it was easier to believe that I was being dramatic rather than suffering from a mental illness.

by Hilary Christian


In a recent interview, singer Kelly Rowland spoke openly and honestly about the joys of motherhood and marriage. When speaking specifically about how she balances marriage and being a mother, Rowland said she prioritizes her husband over their baby since her husband was in her life first. According to Rowland, parenthood shouldn’t change who people are. She boldly stated, “My priority is my husband first. That’s how the baby got there.”

I didn’t think too much about her comments and was mostly just happy to see black love and marriage being celebrated. However not everyone was thrilled about her declaration as evidenced in the comments sections of a few sites that posted about the cover story. Some flat out disagreed with Rowland and others admonished her for seeming to not prioritize her child stating that she is “crazy” to put a man before her kids and may even be suffering from postpartum depression. The backlash seemed a bit over the top and made me wonder why exactly so many women seem to be uncomfortable with this concept.

The topic of prioritizing the husband over the children first made headlines ten years ago, when writer Ayelet Waldman wrote a New York Times essay declaring that she loved her husband more than she loved her children. Mothers around the world were shocked and Waldman even appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show to defend herself. Many could not understand how she could not prioritize her children since the general belief about motherhood is that the children always come first. One could even argue that since the parents make the choice to have children, it is their responsibility as parents to now make them a priority and raise them until adulthood.

Waldman disagreed, asserting that the relationship between a husband and wife should always be the focal point. Far too often, she believes, once children come into the picture, the marriage takes a backseat. Mothers coddle their children, putting all of their passion and attention into them, leaving nothing for their husbands to come home to at the end of the day. A recent study of more than 5000 unfaithful men found that the majority of men cheated after having children, with many pointing to the lack of attention from their wives as a reason.

Being a divorcee myself, I do not proclaim to be an expert on marriage. My marriage failed for reasons I’ll only discuss over a bottle of a glass of wine. In hindsight I acknowledge that there were times when I focused more attention on our child than on my husband. Although it was not a conscious decision, I would like to believe that had our relationship as husband and wife been stronger (and his penis hadn’t been so wayward), I wouldn’t have put my ex-husband second, and sometimes even last.

Waldman also suggested that some mothers begin to develop unhealthy emotional entanglements with their children which could be detrimental to the child’s emotional development. This occurs often between mothers and their sons, with the mothers treating their sons as they would a spouse. It is fact that children take up a great deal of time, energy, attention and love. But focusing all of your emotional passion on your children can cause you to neglect the very relationship that brought those children into existence.



The notion of a wife putting her husband first is not a new concept. Historically, the traditional role of the husband is the head of the household and provider for his family. In some cultures it is common practice for a woman to submit to her husband, placing his needs above all others, including her own. The onset of the feminist movement in the late 60’s began the shift in views about gender roles as women started to question the need to marry. While feminism has improved the trajectory of women professionally, and allowed us the right to choose what we do with our own bodies (which is still questionable), it seems to have had the opposite effect on male-female relationships and shifted the perceived role of women in marriage.

That is not to assert that feminism is to blame for the breakdown of the institution of marriage. In many ways feminism has helped to redefine traditional roles within the family with some husbands taking on more responsibilities at home. But there seems to be a warped I-can-do-bad-all-by-myself notion of independence that was born out of a misguided—albeit well intentioned—kind of feminism that perhaps did more harm than good. Yes, women are powerful, strong and just as capable as men. We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and so on. Women can do it all.

But do we really want to?

Admitting that we want and desire a committed relationship does not undermine our own independence and accomplishments as women. But being able to have a loving and supportive partner to share in those successes and accomplishments is even nicer.

Juxtaposed to feminism is this so-called “bae” culture, in which men are openly unfaithful, fathering several children by different women, side chicks act like main chicks, main chicks rarely become the wife, and baby mamas are the norm. It’s no wonder the idea of prioritizing a man before your child can seem blasphemous. Many of us have no idea what a healthy marriage looks like. Hearing Kelly Rowland, a successful, independent woman herself, talk passionately about placing her husband before her baby, may make some women uncomfortable because they can’t possibly relate to having the kind of relationship that even allows for that type of love.

So, should the marriage be a priority? I would say yes and there is evidence to support this idea. Your husband isn’t just some man or the latest boo in your life. He’s your partner, and deserves as much love and attention as he can stand. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children, it just means you see the importance of cherishing the man who you deemed worthy of being your partner for life. Plus without him, you wouldn’t have those little rugrats in the first place.

A happy and healthy marriage sets the foundation for a happy and healthy family. When children see their parents in a loving, committed relationship they’re given a model of how marriage is supposed to be. It also helps them to be less self-centered if they can realize, at a young age that the world and their parents do not revolve around them.

As with most things in life there should be a balance. Any parent will attest that raising children is hard work and most of us can’t afford nannies and housekeepers to help with the daily tasks of managing a household. However, when the husband and wife equally share in the childrearing and household chores, it frees up more time that can be put toward the relationship, long after the kids are asleep. For instance, Waldman claims her husband cooks, cleans and cares for their children at least 50 percent of the time which probably explains why she is still married, still happy and still stands by the statements she made over a decade ago

For years Essence Magazine has featured love stories of recently engaged and married couples in an effort to celebrate black love and I am here for it. We live in a culture that doesn’t seem to value marriage anymore. But celebrating marriage is a good thing and it doesn’t make us any less the independent feminists we see ourselves as. Hell, even Beyonce shed some of her Independent Woman image after she became Mrs. Carter. Now she sings love songs about their relationship and mutual love for surfboarding, all while being a devoted mother to little Blue Ivy.

There is no denying that the bond between a mother and her child is unbreakable and parents must invest as much as they can into loving, nurturing and providing for their children. But the investment you make in your marriage can also pay dividends. When the day finally comes for your children to leave the home—which is what they are supposed to do—the last thing any couple wants is to stare into the face of their beloved spouse and wonder why in the world they married each other in the first place.

Photo: Shutterstock

Hilary Christian is a freelance writer and fundraiser from Chicago who is a regular contributor to For Harriet, and her work has also been featured in Wild Sister Magazine and Corset Magazine. Check out her blog, follow her at @HilChristian and like her Facebook.

“Don’t marry her. She doesn’t want to work.”

I remember my then fiancé’s barber warning him about me when I mentioned potentially staying home during our marriage. Apparently, he didn’t approve. But he wasn’t the only one.

by Nancy Laws


I never expected to be the mother to three girls, and I have been told often how sorry people are for me, because it will be a long, arduous journey. There are moments when I have been terrified about having to raise three daughters — if you don't understand this yet, you will one day. What worries me most of all, though, is raising three lost girls.

by Stacey Patton

“I’m gonna spank my child when he acts out. I got my butt whooped when I was a child and today I’m fine!”

I recently heard a 40-something-year-old black woman say this during a heated debate over physical discipline of children. Let’s call her Sista A.

Sista B responded: “Girl, please. You didn’t turn out fine. You grew up to be somebody who thinks it’s perfectly okay to hit a child. There’s something wrong with that,” she said as she gently tap, tap, tapped a finger against her own forehead.

by Shanelle Matthews

I dread it. That uncomfortable, anticlimactic moment I enter the drug store and begin to comb through their dismal shelves for a Mother’s Day card. The stale smell of freon and fluorescent artificial lighting assaulting my senses as I listlessly pace the aisles looking for a sentiment that speaks to me—one that fits the unique experiences I share with my mom. Like the year before, I am underwhelmed with the choices. No brown faces; no candid, raw emotions that illustrate the complexity of our relationship; no culturally relevant jokes to make us laugh—and I think, who writes this shit?

by Audrey Elisa Kerr

Last year, University of Virginia professor W. Bradford Wilcox -- Director of the National Marriage Project – did an interview wherein he asserted that being raised by a single mother is among the worse scenarios for children, even if you are not desperately poor.

by Amber Wright

Five years have passed since the world was first introduced to Tiana, Disney’s ninth and first Black princess. I grew up loving Ariel and Belle, but Tiana? This was different.

Black women all over the country lined up to fill movie theaters and claim her as our own. We wanted to see her. We needed to see her.

by Stephanie J. Gates of Stephanie's Epiphanies

Sitting at the table making small talk with the manicurist as she meticulously paints my nails a soft, slightly iridescent shade of pink; I am caught off-guard when she asks The Question: “So, how many children do you have?” This forty year-old mother of three and grandmother of two is inquiring about my mothering status.

Liz A.’s poetic piece, “For Brown Daughters Who Are Not Our Own” comes from the most heartfelt of places with nothing but loving intent, but it is misguided in its approach.

The world is no doubt a hostile place for those born into black and brown bodies; no one can truthfully argue otherwise. Racism is the sickening and very real by-product of the social construct of race, and it is absolutely our duty as adults to warn the children who will inevitably face this ugly reality. We must equip them with information and give them a safe space to dialogue about their experiences so that they may flourish in spite of the cruelty.

Last July, the beautiful Nia Long graced the cover of Essence Magazine along with her handsome young sons. In the issue she proclaimed her happiness in being a single mother to which tons of online backlash was received. The perceived issues of having a child out of wedlock and the socio-economic stigma towards single Black mothers were amongst some of the topics in the disgruntled commentary regarding Long's feature.

I don’t think my weekday mornings are any different than other parents of teenagers. After pressing the snooze button at least once, it’s a blurry mix of showers, the morning news and half eaten scrambled eggs. A request for money (him), a request for an explanation as to what happened to all the money given to him the day before (me), the never ending search for his keys, my never ending search for an extra 15 minutes, and wishing I had washed that extra load of clothes the night before because have nothing to wear to work. You know, the usual.

I took a long time to assemble my thoughts on Shawty Lo's new show and the outrage it's inspired primarily because I was deeply conflicted. Shawty Lo's recklessness is indefensible. I have no desire to defend the show or its right to be on the air. I don't believe that the arrangement the rapper has with his 10 children's mothers and 11 children is a justifiable alternative family structure. The discussion around the show, however, has been largely unproductive and intellectually lazy.  Too many men and women missed the greater, ongoing tragedies in black communities that this show represents.

This picture was taken in March 1986, I was 14 months old and my mom lovingly soaked up as much as she could of me before she handed me over to my grandma to enter the passengers only area at the airport. She did what, I think, is possibly the hardest thing in the world; have my grandma take me “home” for a while, while she worked to get herself situated in a new land.

Last week, Jada Pinkett-Smith posted an open letter on Facebook about her choice to allow her daughter Willow to make some controversial decisions about her personal appearances. Jada wrote:

No matter where dad has gone or what dad has done, mother, mom, mama, makes the difference. Mama must forge ahead with her children on her back and dreams in her gut.

Everyone focuses on the absent parent, the father, who is no longer around to make a difference in the child’s life, but if there’s a solution for single mother households, it lies within the parent who’s still involved in the child’s life--the mother.

No one can take feminism from women of the African diaspora. It is a black woman's birthright because we could never seek solace in the protections of womanhood narrowly defined. It is ours, yet it seems at every turn, someone is trying to wrestle it from us. Since her appearance at this year's Democratic National Convention, Michelle Obama has again been placed at the center of an old debate regarding her feminist credentials.

I never wanted to be a housewife. It’s a thankless job with no vacations or holidays. Not to mention I absolutely hate cooking and cleaning. In an age where women can be anything from a NASCAR driver to Secretary of State, why would we willingly choose to stay at home all day dusting and folding laundry?


I should say that my narrow-minded views were based on images of TV housewives – women like Carol Brady who lived in a mythical land called Suburbia and wielded super-human powers. They could solve a family crisis, help with homework and prepare a delicious meal in less than thirty minutes. They were also always white. To a black girl from the inner city, the concept couldn’t be any more foreign. I grew up with a single, working mother and aspired to be more like Clair Huxtable than June Cleaver. In my dreams, I always thought I would be a successful wife/mother/businesswoman.